In the days since the passing of Pope Francis, speculation is already mounting as to who will ascend to the chair of Saint Peter.
Every media platform is reporting on the leading candidates; according to the Polymarket betting line—and yes there is a Pope betting line—70-year-old Italian Pietro Parolin has a 37 percent chance of being Francis’ successor.
But I disagree. I have some knowledge of this, given that I went to an Augustinian college (Villanova), have dated Catholic girls and once had a huge collection of Topps Papal Trading Cards. In fact, I once traded a Pope Pius XII rookie card for a mint Pope John XXIII. So, given this background, I have come up with a list of ten “outside the confessional box” candidates who can help rebrand the church.
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Hunter Biden
Of course, there could be some confusion if Hunter is the choice of the College of Cardinals. Does that white smoke mean he is the chosen one or does it mean he was partying again? On the other hand, who better to remind us of the need for forgiveness than a man who cost his father the U.S. presidential election.
Prince Harry
There are three good reasons why I’d like to see Harry being considered. First, he needs a job. Second, given how his marriage seems to be going, the chances are he is celibate. And third, who better to stand on a balcony and wave to audiences than a former member of the Royal Family?
Billy Ray Cyrus
Okay, okay. No-one would ever accuse him of being a saint. But he’s apparently having sex with Elizabeth Hurley and if that’s not a miracle, nothing is.
Katy Perry
I know, a woman? But this is 2025, and Opus Dei could become Opus DEI. Admittedly, Perry has had her fights with the good sisters—who can forget the nun who got in a property dispute with her and then keeled over in court—but she would become the first astronaut-Pope. Or would she?
Albert Pujols
Obvious choice. Our most beloved Cardinal…and a real Angel.
Ralph Fiennes
He came so close last time (you know, in Conclave) he ran and is so much more deserving than John Lithgow—although I worry he would split the vote with Stanley Tucci. But you have to wonder what name he would choose; if he can’t correctly pronounce his own first name how’s it going to sound when he is Pope Xavier.
Bianca Censori
We all want our religious leaders to have full transparency and if there is one thing Kanye West’s latest wife is known for, it is radical transparency. Plus, if the church wants to start recruiting new altar boys (apparently there were some problems in the past) she has some appeal.
Charli XCX
From “Brat summer”—and we all saw how well that worked out for Kamala Harris—to “Vatican spring,” the popstar would bring Gen-Z priorities to the forefront of her reign, and perhaps pair her homilies with viral dance moves. Plus, she already uses Roman numerals in her name.
Peter Frampton
It’s time for another Pope from England. The last one was in the 12th century. Fun fact: his name was Adrian (technically Adrian IV), and he actually once heard Joe Biden’s confession. One big advantage for singer/songwriter Peter Frampton is that he can use the same monogrammed towels as Pope Francis. And how great would it be if he took the name Pope Adrian VII just to hear people greet him with “Yo Adrian!”?
And Donald Trump
But in the end, my money is on President Trump—or Pope Donald I, as you know he won’t change his name. I am convinced he will be the next Pope, whether he gets the votes or not. (If he didn’t, the other guy rigged it.)
Think about it: The man is well-versed in at least three of the ten commandments, truly believes he is infallible whether speaking ex cathedra or not and would give the world THE GREATEST PAPACY YOU’VE EVER SEEN, THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
