One of the most seasoned cast members of Saturday Night Live took on a new role in the show’s 51st season premiere, with Colin Jost debuting a new impression as self-styled “Secretary of War” Pete Hegseth.
In the episode’s cold open, Jost parodied the speech Hegseth gave on Tuesday at Quantico to a room of senior military officials who had been summoned from around the globe to listen to Hegseth rage about men in dresses, men with beards, and fat generals.
Introduced as a “former Fox News host,” Jost’s Hegseth strolled on stage all machismo and rage, shouting at the audience, “I summoned all of you here today to address a serious problem, okay? Our military is gay as hell!”
“Thanks to failed, liberal policies, our army has never been gayer, and yet, it’s also never been fatter,” Jost’s Hegseth complained. “Make that make sense.”
Jost went on to outline the strict standards army officials would be expected to adhere to: “6 foot 6, bust 75, A cups, perky, with a dumptruck in the back you wouldn’t even believe.”
“And hey, if you’re out there and you don’t want to lose the weight, you don’t want to follow the rules, hey, no problem. You know who’s gonna want your sick, twisted, fat a--? ICE. We’ve got a sign-up sheet for ICE in the hallway, check them out.”
In August, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem relaxed requirements for several jobs in her department, including waiving age limits in an effort to recruit applicants as young as 18 and over the previously established age limit of 40.
Jost also referenced the Trump administration’s attempts to deploy the National Guard to Portland, declaring, “From now on, we’re doing army, and army only. And we will be doing it in one of the bloodiest, war-torn places on the face of the Earth: Portland, Oregon!”
He then returned to “the fat thing,” announcing that the military would now have “the same rules as any good frat party: no fat chicks. And if you’re a fat dude, goddammit, you better be funny as hell.”
“In summary, this is the whole meeting: no fuggos, no fatties, no facial hair, no body hair. Just hot, shredded, hairless men, who are definitely not gay,” he continued.
“‘Cause this is serious. We’re facing the greatest threat to freedom and democracy the world has ever known. And we all know what that threat is,” he started, before being interrupted by James Austin Johnson’s Donald Trump, who burst in with, “Late-night TV.”
In addition to serving as Jost’s first performance as Hegseth, the cold open also served as new cast member Jeremy Culhane’s debut, with the 33-year-old appearing as the military official who introduced Hegseth at the top of the sketch.
