Jon Stewart showed the world what it would be like if Donald Trump got his wish to remake all media in his image Thursday night with a 23-minute satirical rebranding of The Daily Show as full-on state TV.
In a last-minute return to the desk outside of his usual Monday night gig, Stewart introduced the “new government-approved Daily Show.” It was his unique way of commenting on ABC’s decision to pull Jimmy Kimmel from the air following direct threats from Trump’s FCC Chair Brendan Carr.
“We have another fun, hilarious, administration-compliant show,” Stewart said, surrounded by Trumpian gold flourishes. Throughout a monologue dominated by MAGA talking points, the host repeatedly shushed the laughing crowd, telling them, “You’re gonna blow this for us!”
“If you felt a little off these past couple of days, it’s probably because our great father has not been home,” Stewart reported. “For father has been gracing England with his legendary warmth and radiance, gazed upon him with a gait even more majestic than that of the royal horses that pranced before him. He wowed the English with charm, intelligence, and an undeniable sexual charisma that filled their air like a pheromone-packed London fog.”
Stewart referred to Trump’s skin as “perfectly tinted” and helpfully changed the name of Azerbaijan to make it match Trump’s botched pronunciation.
From there, Stewart went off on the British reporter who “dared” to ask Trump about his dedication to free speech after advocating for Kimmel’s cancellation. “What what outfit are you with, sir?” he asked. “The Antifa Herald Tribune?!”
And after playing a clip of Trump blaming Kimmel’s situation on “bad ratings” and “no talent,” Stewart said, “You may call it free speech in jolly old England, but in America, we have a little something called the First Amendment. And let me tell you how it works. There’s something called a talent-o-meter...”
Despite the over-the-top MAGA-friendly act, Stewart still managed to use clips to catch Trump and his cohort in all sorts of blatant hypocrisy when it comes to the type of free speech they used to defend when it was targeted at the other side.
“Only a bad person would celebrate violence or make crass jokes about it,” Stewart said before sharing a series of clips of MAGA stars laughing and joking about the hammer attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband.
“Now, some naysayers may argue that this administration’s speech concerns are merely a cynical ploy, a thin gruel of a ruse, a smokescreen to obscure an unprecedented consolidation of power and unitary intimidation, principle-less and coldly antithetical to any experiment in a constitutional republic governance,” Stewart concluded. “Some people would say that... Not me, though. I think it’s great.”
The Daily Show closed out its marathon opening segment with all seven co-hosts and correspondents reciting a pro-free speech message in terrified unison. The group then performed a song of praise for their dear leader, which included the lines, “We don’t even notice your cankles or your bruises,” and, echoing South Park, “You have a massive penis, much bigger than normal.”
