The Real Housewives of Orange County has always been a show about women on the verge of a nervous breakdown, dating back to its humble beginnings. There was once a time when the biggest drama was family vans, long before the era of cancer scams.
Go back 15 years, though, and you’ll find yourself about where we are today: Gretchen Rossi and Tamra Judge feuding over affair rumors while donning timelessly tacky styles. It doesn’t matter what happens in the world, these two will always hate each other. And that’s kind of beautiful.
Now that Katie Ginella is long gone and Tamra’s apology tour has hit a dead end, there’s nowhere left for the Real Housewives to go except back to Orange County, the land of libel, lawsuits, and liars. In perfectly suburban fashion, this week’s episode is centered around a self-defense class, all as several of the ladies traverse their own journeys in motherhood (and Motherhood).
For Jenn, that means focusing on the fractures within her family as she hurtles toward the wedding of the century (whenever that will be…). The last bastion of original brand OC solo footage, Jenn is a woman on the verge in every sense, desperately trying to keep her family alive while salvaging her friendships in a post-Katie landscape.
Even as the group falls apart around her, Jenn keeps a smile on her face, pretending everything is fine. She probably heard the rumor that Tamra had an affair with a pop star ages ago, but Jenn is all about ignoring things around her. She’d rather just get facials with her daughter while discussing her wedding like we’re in the docuseries era of Housewives.
The OGs know what era we’re really in, though. Now getting solo footage, Gretchen sits down with Slade to damage control her way out of spreading yet another rumor about Tamra. You see, Gretchen can’t control what her life partner says. It’s not her fault he brought up Tamra’s alleged affair! It’s Slade’s. In fact, he made her bring it up hours before in the sprinter van, apparently.
There’s a recurring motif of Gretchen saying things in car rides and denying them later, which makes me wonder if she thinks they don’t film those. Maybe she has more of the old-school Housewives mentality than it seems.
As for Tamra, she arrives to Gretchen’s tactical defense training course armed and ready to take on anything in her way. She’s a vicious mercenary, one who never lets a peace treaty get in the way of her ability to hate. Even though Gretchen and Tamra pretended to make up a few weeks ago, Tamra’s sitting idly by, waiting for the moment to strike again. Just look at how she reacts to a fake car-jacking—tossing Gina right in the line of fire while saving herself—and you’ll see how Tamra survived this long. There’s a shark in the water, just waiting to tug Gretchen’s weird little braid.
Having let slip the Tamra rumor to Heather and Emily, Gretchen’s well-aware that she’s on borrowed time, and she’s just trying to get in whatever defense lessons she can. She’s been paying Slade’s bills for 12 years; this Bravo-funded course is what she can afford!
Interesting enough, Tamra does confirm that she worked on the song with the “boy band” member. But admitting to recording a song is not the same as admitting to recording a sex tape, obviously, especially one distributed without her knowledge. Bravo does not need another case of revenge porn, nor does this fanbase need more “is this really revenge porn?” discourse.
Luckily, Tamra goes right for the jugular, ignoring the minutia to hit her true target: Slade… and whatever happened at Bass Lake back in 2008. It’s not even worth re-litigating whether Gretchen cheated on her elderly fiancé Jeff way back in Season 4, especially given Gretchen’s already gone to court over that (and won, mind you!), but it’s always fun to poke and prod.
But just because Tamra said that about Gretchen way back when, and last week, and just now, doesn’t give her the right to sling it back to Tamra! Tamra has “nothing to hide,” so she “doesn’t really care” about the affair rumor being lobbed back at her, anyway. To prove that, she melts down so loud the entire building shakes—even though her face doesn’t move. If I were the doctor who did her face lift, I’d plaster that footage on my website.
Getting right in Gretchen’s face, Tamra asks “what is your problem!?” before launching a tirade as Gretchen throws her life partner under the bus: “Oh, of course Slade said something stupid.”
“This is the s--t you’ve been doing to me for 12 f---ing years, and I’ve had it. I’ve f---ing had it. He was ready to be on speed dial, wasn’t he?”
It’s hard to say who Tamra hates more: Gretchen or Slade. It’s clear, though, that Tamra has found an affinity for storming out of events, as she runs away from yet another confrontation just as it hits the fan. Tamra surely went to sleep that night in a bucket of rage, but at least she didn’t have to spend hours trying to undo the knots in her hair. That’s the Gretchen solo footage I want to see.
With that, it’s a point for Gretchen. It’s still a losing ball-game, but hey, a goal’s a goal. No matter what Tamra says or does now, people will always wonder if she cheated on her husband.
Until then, we’re left with the fractured remains of the Gretchen and Tamra alliance, which lasted all of two episodes (in which they didn’t even speak to each other). Beautiful work, ladies. Never lose your propensity to hate! It’s what makes life worth living.
