All Lisa Hochstein has ever wanted is to frolic through the streets of Miami, crying about her problems—while squarely ignoring everyone else’s. Apparently, this makes her a “narcissist.”
What, then, does it make the newbie Stephanie relating everyone else’s issues back to her own business prowess, Guerdy sitting through other people’s conversations desperate to get her own word in, and Alexia throwing a Greek Goddesses party alongside an Australian influencer? Narcissists!
That’s why they’re The Real Housewives of Miami. They don’t make reality shows about boring women who do nothing (well, aside from Selling Sunset).
This week on the Real Narcissists of Miami, the ladies finally gathered for their first all-cast event in weeks, using it as a point to remind disillusioned fans that this season won’t be some endless gang-up on Guerdy. Instead, it’s an endless gang-up on Lisa! A cast of professionals leaves no stone unturned, whacking each Housewife when the moment’s right.
And Lisa was given the longest grace period possible. The cast have pretended she’s likeable for two years simply because her husband left her, which was honestly super sweet of them. Thankfully, Larsa opened the floodgates, and now the entire group has given up the ruse (sans Adriana, the sweetest woman alive) .
People forget that Larsa Pippen’s a really good girl, and she attacks divorcées and cancer victims only to keep their fighting skills fresh. She wants you to know that even when your life is falling apart, you can still have time for the little things. I think that’s beautiful.
Naturally, the girls have gotten together for a little exercise brought to you by some Australian life coach, whose credibility is “being a man” and “being hot,” which, well, sure. He’s a life coach, not a licensed professional. He’s probably overqualified just by having an accent on top of his already beaming resumé.
After leading an exercise that essentially consists of having the women read Khloe Kardashian Instagram stories written in red lipstick, they move into the psychological warfare portion of the evening. Below Deck Down Under reads off some narcissistic traits, like “constantly talking about themself” and “doesn’t take accountability,” while the ladies assign their red flag to whoever they feel fits that bill. As Marysol puts it, this game in and of itself is a red flag. And she would know, having coined the most iconic Housewives game of all, “Who do you trust the least?”
Alexia’s “Not About Todd” Narcissist Party really isn’t about Todd, after all. It’s all about Lisa, who wins every single vote by a landslide. When it comes to the “playing the victim” vote, Lisa decides to make it a method moment, launching into tears and storming out. She wishes someone would have more problems than she does.
“I think the exercise was really positive in the end!” the life coach says, as Lisa cries off-screen.
I suppose this life coach isn’t well-equipped to solve people’s problems, but if he wants to switch career paths to reality TV production, he’d be a star.
At least it leads to a Lisa and Larsa sit-down, the two sharing the Party City throne to hash out their issues. Well, that would be the case if Guerdy weren’t sitting two feet away “mediating,” being so annoying that the divas don’t even have time to fight.
It’s a perfect scene to represent Guerdy’s real dilemma in the group. She’s a nice person, arguably a good one, too, who no doubt has faced some real mistreatment. Yet, she’s also super irritating and tone-deaf to the point of being a hindrance, so it’s understandable she’s caught the ire of so many castmates. Now, does Guerdy’s general demeanor differentiate her much from her fellow narcissists? No. But why would a narcissist have the clarity to realize that?
Back in the solo realm, Stephanie throws on some more tweed to sit down with her parents so they can casually discuss her twin sisters who hate her, and apparently them. It’s certainly interesting to jump into your first solo storyline with “my sisters hate me,” but it’s kind of a perfect arc for her. I feel semi-confident those sisters are the victims in all of this, and I’d like to see them mic’d up and ambushing her by the end of the season.
Stephanie oscillates between claiming she wants them back in her life and calling them sensitive little rats, and you can see the wheels turning in her mind thinking this will be the storyline. Oh, this poor woman. She has it all: the perfect job, the perfect husband, the perfect life… but she just can’t make it work with her sisters. Sigh.
Of course, the audience can only muster so much sympathy for a Larsa acolyte, but I find Stephanie’s general aura of inauthenticity wholly engaging. All of her scenes are simultaneously uber-produced and super revealing, not an easy feat to pull off.
That’s part of the beauty of Miami. These women are more curated than just about any other franchise, always glammed to the gods, rarely removed from audience opinions. Yet, their sheer telegenic ability rises above it all, creating something beautiful.
That leaves us with Larsa and Lisa’s final sit-down, their first true one-on-one of the season after five episodes of unadulterated fighting. The two worst communicators in Miami have met their match in each other, and it’s so funny. I present to you a minute of their conversation, transcribed:
“You got heated because of Marcus. It’s a touchy subject.”
“No, he said to me, ‘You’re the one who had the paparazzi take the photo of him in the south of France.’ And I said, ‘Me? What am I, the CIA?’ And that’s what started it all.”
“Well, the paparazzi guy told us that.”
“Okay, well you’re full of s--t.”
“Why are you saying I’m full of s--t?”
“Okay, that’s not what happened. Your boyfriend lies!”
“I don’t want to, like, escalate this. I’m trying to deescalate.”
“Okay. I’m just a better friend.”
Larsa is perhaps the best one-on-onestress of our time, so viciously bad at making amends. She’ll never get flustered, either, as that would require her to understand a single social situation. As Lisa storms off to cry to Alexia on the phone, Larsa stays at the table scrolling through her TikTok.
Before today, I never would’ve thought we’d get such crucial election post-mortem footage, but seeing Larsa mindlessly watch Donald Trump clips, I get it now. Shout out to her TikTok feed for jumping from that to some video about equestrian chic. Even the algorithms can’t figure Larsa out.
Somehow, the craziest part is that this sit-down leads to a reconciliation. It’s one that’s sure to last forever and ever, as the two certainly haven’t taken a single shot at each other in the post-season.
“I literally looked at our Instagram, our photos, and I was like, ‘Some of my best pictures are with you,’” Larsa tells Lisa, handing a most heartfelt olive branch. Some people make up for real reasons, but narcissists? They’re just doing it for the brand. Those Larsa Lights could use Lisa’s endorsement.
Thus ends another week in the narcissistic cove of Miami. Next week, the ladies take their egos to an LGBTQ+ task force gala, where Guerdy makes a speech all about herself, as is only fitting for an ally at a queer event.
