An ethical violation of the highest degree has hit The Real Housewives of Miami reunion, sending chills down my spine over the stomach-churning lack of morality.
No, this has nothing to do with whether Julia Lemigova outed Adriana de Moura (you all should mosey on down to that episode of Watch What Happens Live where Adriana trotted out her “special friend”), it’s about the cast calling in ChatGPT as a surprise guest. We had to kill dozens of trees just to hear that RHOM fans find Larsa annoying? Classless.
All hell has broken loose on the reunion stage, as the bisexually-lit set has come alive with rumors of an affair between two Housewives. It’s a scandal that actually lives up to the hype, shaking the Housewives to their core, and exposing a multitude of messes in its wake. Everyone comes across poorly, stepping on landmines with swift ease.
Adriana owns up to kissing and sleeping together, but avidly denies the allegations, simply because she denies sex can exist without a penis or penetration. A second iconically awkward Adriana penis statement has hit the building, following in the footsteps of its bodacious sister: “Why would I want a man with a limp peh-niss? I like my men hard, Andy.”
She likes her challenges even harder. Don’t just deny the allegations; toss a little homophobia in to lose your moral edge, diva. Adriana refuses to be boxed into a single narrative, just like Larsa!
She makes it even worse by admitting “I gave you the opera idea.” Why would you take credit for the worst footage of all time?
Honestly, this affair is shocking in so many ways, if only because it always seemed like such a classic queerbaiting moment that would never materialize. Bravo loves a “dip in the lady pond,” but true queer representation has been few and far between on the network, despite its very gay audience. This situation isn’t cut and dry by any means, and that’s what makes it compelling.
The reunion devolves from here, as Adriana brings out allegations that Julia cheated on Martina with a “Haitian mortician” who she had to buy a coffee machine for—and even a cop! Apparently, Julia’s just been cheating all over the place, which she hardly denies.
Backstage, the women continue Miami’s most beautiful ritual of fighting incessantly off the couches, as Adriana storms into Julia’s dressing room to yell at her, Alexia, and Marysol. Meanwhile, Larsa sympathizes with Julia’s incessant cheating. Sometimes in life, you “slip and fall,” she says as she stands right next to her new boyfriend, who she’s definitely not cheating on.
With the intermission over, the ladies return to rehash what exactly happened.
“Okay, since we’re going to go back to back-back,” Adriana XCX says, before sharing the sapphic story of when she met Julia, in which Julia asked to see her boobs and showed Adriana her butt. It’s either a love story for the new age or the latest rendition of Single White Female. What if Julia stalked after Adriana, seducing her just to land a spot on a show that had been canceled for nearly a decade when they met, only to steal her life (well, her mojito) in the process? What if Julia Lemigova isn’t even real? What if none of us are?
Julia follows this allegation with another bomb, claiming Adriana asked her to leave Martina for her, saying “what a storyline that will make.” I mean, if Adriana did say that, she’s not wrong. A Housewife leaving her spouse for another Housewife would probably be the juiciest thing that’s ever happened on air, and surely would’ve re-filled Adriana’s empty mojito.
Alas, the real world is far more boring than that. The most we can ask for is this, as it enriches every past moment. The flashback to Adriana telling Julia “even though we do love each other… as friends” sure seemed subtler when it aired than it does now.
So, the segment ends with Adriana giving Julia a replica of her heart, which Julia discards while Lisa yelps “hey, that’s her heart!” with genuine fear. Back to regularly scheduled programming!
It’s hard to follow any segment as salacious as that, and the Kiki conversation and Alexia/Stephanie re-hash just feels a little jarring. We were spoiled getting the reveal so early. I’m used to waiting ‘till the end of Part 2 for something this juicy.
Alas, we get some fun moments out of it, as Stephanie compares flaunting her plane to “show and tell” while Alexia insists “I actually talk down to men” in the face of misogyny allegations.
There are so many funny little moments, but a special shoutout to Guerdy inserting herself in the conversation to speak gibberish while the women sit in utter confusion. She may have been upstaged by these affair allegations, but don’t you worry; Guerdy knows how to make any and every situation about herself.
That’s the beauty of being tone deaf, just like everyone’s least-favorite opera singer. It even spreads to the viewers at home, as the reunion ends with Gina from Providence, Rhode Island asking: “Lisa, was Larsa right to say you shouldn’t be in Milan given your dad died a week later?”
It’s a fair question of course, but it’s not one you really ask in the real world. But this is the Real Housewives, where women accuse each other of staging entire affairs for a “storyline” and receiving death threats from your family back home is the “drama-free” segment.
With that, we head into the third and final part of the Miami reunion, where Andy has saved the juiciest questions for last. We’ve been waiting for bated breath to hear whether Alexia and Marysol think Kiki’s dad is hot.
Can we ask more questions about Adriana and Julia? I want to talk about Adriana and Julia.
