As they say, the higher the hair, the closer to God.
The Real Housewives once rejected the Patron Saint of High Body Count Hair, but it’s a new day in Salt Lake City. Fresh off a flight from Hell, the Housewives are desperately in search of some spiritual healing to save their sordid souls, and they’ve decided to study that wise woman’s sing-songy message.
The disciples of Britani Bateman are finally worshipping at their new favorite altar, as the cast’s former—and current—jester has finally made her way up the social stratosphere for the first time. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City has held the inaugural “high body count hair” party, hopefully inspiring harlots across the nation to raise their glasses in honor of Britani.
Meredith Marks, chief spokesperson for the sl-ts of America, is a no-show at the event, as she and Lisa have been snubbed from the guest list in the latest group dynamic shift. The new hierarchy is so lopsided that even Mary has jumped ship to Team Britani—almost. That’s growth.
Also growth? Britani has ditched the friend-of shadow for yet another solo scene, proving the unicorn of love can rise above any obstacles in her way. Her metaphorical snowflake will never melt, even if the Bravo gods are scared to unleash her full-time power.
Back in Salt Lake City for the first episode in weeks, the ladies may be able to hide from the group drama, but now it’s time to face the music. Whether it’s Lisa, Britani, or Bronwyn, the Real Housewives are facing a slew of romantic challenges. For Britani, that consists of a walk with her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Jared Osmond, who she recently decided to take a 30-day break from to appeal to her estranged daughter.
Of course, it may have been a minute since she saw his face, but Britani has heard his sweet voice every night in the form of her stuffed unicorn. Having allegedly faced the murderous wrath of Meredith Marks, Britani now needs more than a unicorn to fill the hole in her heart, deciding to meet her lost lover for a walk in the woods.
It’s an inspired setting, not unlike the creek off the highway median where Kim Richards once sparred with Lisa Rinna. Here, Jared embraces Britani in a minute-long hug, before whacking her with a reminder that the only thing he loves more than Leftist tears is embarrassing Britani on camera.
Despite the fact the two are on a break, Jared finds it disturbing that Britani flirted with the entire cast of Below Deck Down Under while away. She is Ross, and he is Rachel, apparently. Just like TV’s most iconic couple, Jared and Britani are destined for 10 seasons of close calls, connections, and breakups that culminate in the greatest love story ever told… right?
Hey, he might have made her cry again and called Britani “unstable,” but at least Jared gave her a moment to snag a snowflake. Don’t say he’s not a girl’s girl!
That scene of utter humiliation is followed by Bronwyn soiling herself in solidarity for a man who farts, cheats, and eats her maraschino cherries unapologetically. Having kicked Todd out for days, Bronwyn lets Todd—and the cameras—back into her house to have a one-on-one with her boss, asking for new conditions in a job she no longer finds satisfactory.
Bronwyn’s side hustle is taking off, and she’s well on her way to bobbing out of that marriage to become a career Bravolebrity. Never has a divorce been so telegraphed on TV, to the point I can’t help but wonder what they’re waiting for. And then I remember we’re all talking about how awful her marriage is and how sad her life is, and no one’s discussing alleged fraud accusations or even the farts. Chess, not checkers.
Her marriage is one of the few dynamics Bronwyn can’t entirely control on camera, so she’s decided to set her own terms by getting in front of all the embarrassments and self-destructing before anyone else can attack her. Whether or not Bronwyn’s brave enough to leave for real, or just wants to throw Todd under the bus to save her own spot, remains to be seen.
On the opposite end, there’s Lisa and John, once the perennial power couple of Salt Lake City. But just because the couple spray tans together doesn’t mean they’ll stay together, evidently. The two have had serious friction for the first time in Lisa’s six years on the show, as far as we know, but it’s mostly been off-screen up to now.
As with most marital struggle storylines, it’s hard to say what’s real and what’s fake, but I simply don’t believe John Barlow can act at all. The way he raised his voice for the first time ever and even laughed in her face was a shock of the same degree as the Reality VonTease reveal, proving John might have what it takes to be a Lisa sparring partner.
Maybe this explains Lisa’s more guarded, on-edge demeanor this season, as God knows her issues with Bronwyn and Whitney are barely a blip on the radar in Lisa’s head. She loves herself too much to think about anybody without the last name Barlow.
Finally, the women on the verge get together for a group event at Mary’s church. Yes, this is the same church the ladies once called a cult, which is getting an exposé on TLC in January. The church was last seen in session when Jen Shah visited for a Mother’s Day service in which women cried over Mary while calling her a facsimile of God, way back in Season 2. That certainly didn’t help the allegations.
But Mary has cleaned up her image in her second coming, becoming a God-like figure to this group. These ladies may hate each other, but they’re more than willing to come together to worship at the altar of Mary Cosby. With that, the women reunite for the first time since that fateful flight, a timid fear falling over the survivors as Lisa and Meredith enter the room.
The brunettes have been iced out in favor of Britani, Mary’s positioning herself as the moral compass of the group, but perhaps the most surprising aspect of all is the women stay civil and appropriate at the church service, not a fight or feud in sight, nary a whisper of cult-like activity. It truly is a new day in Salt Lake City.
Whether the church goes up in flames or Mary ascends to an even higher power, this footage will be great B-roll for future documentaries. Maybe it’ll even find its way on TLC if those editors are quick enough. If the rumors are true, these women might be closer to God than anyone could imagine, even if their hair is laid and flat.
