All I care about these days are the three blonde divas on the White Lotus.
Armored by Lululemon matching sets, souvenir store shawls, and a glass of wine, Michelle Monaghan, Leslie Bibb, and Carrie Coon play a devilishly dysfunctional trio of friends in this third season who are in Thailand for equal parts gossip and #meditation.
It’s easy to understand how these three women, Kate (Bibb), Laurie (Coon), and Jaclyn (Monaghan), are longtime friends. They’re blonde, rich, and attached by the hip. But it’s when they actually start talking that the cracks in the polished friends 4 life facade, which they’re so desperate to maintain while boozing in the hotel’s lounge, begin to show.
With each passing episode of the White Lotus, it becomes clearer that these three women don’t have all that much in common anymore, besides the weight of their shared history. In fact, the only thing they really enjoy doing together is talking absolute s*** about each other…and thank goodness for that!
The friendship is magnetic, hilarious, and terrifying all at the same time. I don’t care if their relationship isn’t healthy, I care about Coon and Monaghan’s brilliant facial work when learning that Bibb’s character was a downlow Trump supporter. These women are catty. Their conversations are inspired. And by the sheer influx of fandom they’ve managed to cultivate with only three episodes, it’s quite clear that they’re all of us.
Whether or not we care to admit it, a large portion of why we all love these women is because we see ourselves (and the parts we don’t like) in them. It’s all too easy to Mad Libs any one of their conversations to mirror an exact after-party download you’ve had with one of your friends on someone or something you probably should not have been talking about like that!
There’s a reason why mean girls always come in threes. While Sex and the City’s Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte have long been the friendship blueprint for the girls and the gays, the debrief-driven, Trump-talking, athleisure-wearing DNA of Kate, Laurie, and Jaclyn feel more relevant to our time than cosmo-swilling Carrie Bradshaw.
So, while I’m sure you’ve already discerned who in your group is the Charlotte or who’s the Miranda, it is 2025 and it’s okay to come out as a Jaclyn sun and Laurie rising instead. From niche interests to sex life (or lack thereof), here’s how to tell who’s who in your friend group: White Lotus Blonde Divas Edition.
The Jaclyns
To put it point blank, if you are a Jaclyn, you are likely a Gwyneth Paltrow wannabe.
You have definitely scrolled through Goop unironically. You have tried and failed at achieving Paltrow’s effortless je ne sais quoi lifestyle of tofu and cigarettes on a budget of pre-made salad kits and vaping.
In the chance that you do have the means to afford the higher luxuries of wellness, you probably go out of your way to make sure that the TikTok following you’re trying to bolster is not aware that your skin looks incredible because of a $500 moisturizer. In fact, let’s all be honest here, you’re more likely to tell everyone it’s owed to a combination of beef tallow and gulping collagen every morning instead of the real culprit—great fillers.
This is not to say that Jaclyns are simply virtuous vanguards of wellness. They’re also the most fun out of any trio and are likely the leaders who the other two orbit their plans around (even if they’re not aware of it!).
While the Kates will actually organize the activity, the Jaclyns determine if anyone will actually show up to the function. You’re a free-spirited, fun-loving, but lowkey depressed Leo. Can afford The Row but tell everyone it’s an Amazon dupe. Will giggle and agree with a French person that it’s pronounced Jacqueline. Love to quote Joan Didion on Instagram. And see books as more of an aesthetic accompaniment then, I don’t know, a thing to read!
The Kates
Are you a little bit too into Ballerina Farm? Appreciate the theory, tentative to employ the praxis? I’m afraid you might be the Kate of your group.
The Kates are the physical binding glue of this platonic ménage à trois, always the one to make the dinner reservation, never the ones who receive enough gratitude for camping out on Resy as much as they do. They’re a little too proud to be drinking cow milk again—or, worse, raw milk—and, like the MAHA mom, will scream about seed oils being terrible for you but fearlessly try an untested lip filler just to see if it does a little something.
Likely a Virgo at their best or a Gemini (respectfully) at their worst, the Kates are the type-A’s who wear it as a cap of shame. They want to be the free-spirited Jaclyn, but no matter how many shots they down on a night out, they will be too busy thinking about how they’re going to get everyone back home (a good thing, though, which we love you for!).
The most sinister of Kates, akin to Bibb’s own portrayal on the show, think they’re immune to the s***-talking because they’re always the ones to start it—however—a rude awakening is in store.
Uncomfortable with the silence? Desperate to keep the group all smiles despite secretly telling friend #2 that friend #3 is wearing the ugliest effing skirt you’ve ever seen two minutes ago? Bonjour Kate, it’s lovely to have you.
The Lauries
Touch-starved. Capricorn. Never not telling everyone how much you need a vacation. These are but some of the qualities that signify if you are a Laurie in this life.
The friend that’s constantly seesawing between focusing on their career or prioritizing their love life (good riddance to the thought of having both!), the Lauries are the ones whose Friday night will begin with a proud proclamation of singlehood and end with a doom-scroll of “me and u” memes on Twitter.
You’re the friend that everyone keeps trying to get on Hinge—you protest—but little do they know you’ve already applied to get on Raya. And when you do eventually make your way onto that app, you will try to get with some microcelebrity DJ because the world needs to know that you ARE a #fun, #cool girl.
The friend who is plagued by constant comparison (you are good enough). The friend who will cry during a massage (the tension is all in your hips darling). And the friend who really thought Hillary was going to win (come on babes), the Lauries are to be intimately cared for because they really are not doing it enough for themselves…especially in that department.
So will these three women kill each other by the end of their week at the White Lotus? Or will they somehow become closer than ever? If any of the similar, real-life friendships are an indicator, they’ll likely sweep everything under the rug and squeal: “Oh my god we should totally do this again!”
