Like much of the internet, I’m in a verbal loop of repeating Parker Posey’s string of accented words and phrases (“Tsunami” feels particularly nice to say out loud over and over as I put away laundry). Episode 5 of the latest season of The White Lotus provided us with a great boon: new Victoria Ratliff quotes! Not only did Posey deliver some truly “lol” moments for me, but I’d say, even with a near suicide, incest (what.), and the Sam Rockwell scene, this was the funniest episode of The White Lotus (and maybe anything) ever.
First I’m going to count down my top five favorite Victoria Ratliff moments:
5. “I don’t even have my lorazepam. I’m going to have to DRINK myself to sleep.”
The way this woman says “lorazepam” almost makes me want one. After her prescription goes missing, Victoria bemoans to her (suicidal) husband (who stole the pills) that alcohol is her only sleeping aid available. You’d think a week of massages and no responsibility would lead to a restful sleep, but, “No! Piper! No!” (Sorry. Had to.)
4. “They are sex cults, Piper…you could end up a concubine to some weird guru.”
The later scene back at their villa or cottage or whatever you want to call it contains some great comedy gems, including when Victoria objects to Piper’s plan to join up with the monastery after graduation. Her fear is that her darling, pure daughter is going to be soiled. What a waste of a Chapel Hill education. Does “tar heels” mean nothing to you, Piper?
3. “Still a cult. Look at the Catholics!”
What defines a cult? While the large religions of Catholicism and (say it with me) “Boo dizz im” don’t technically fit the definition, I had to laugh at Victoria’s conflation of the two religions’ principles. Yes, both groups’ members worship charismatic leaders, practice full devotion to the religion’s ideals, and adorn themselves in brightly-colored outfits, but Victoria’s inability to let go of the idea that her daughter must embody good Christian values punches down at Catholicism in the best way.
2. “Charles Manson wrote books! Bill Clinton wrote books! The list goes on. Hillary Clinton wrote five books!”
When Piper says the leader of the monastery wrote books, Victoria is not moved. She names the first evil author that pops into her mind, Charles Manson, but then reminds us that Bill Clinton, a Democrat, also wrote one. Worst of all, Hillary Clinton, who is a democrat AND a woman, wrote, according to Victoria, five books. Fun fact, Hillary Clinton has eleven different titles to her name, according to her publisher.
This is an example of the transitive property and/or correlation: Charles Manson and the Clintons are bad and write books, therefore, if the head of the monastery writes books, he’s bad. Victoria didn’t mention Hitler as one of her examples, FYI, and he wrote a book, too!
And the winner is:
1.“You want to live in Taiwan?!”
Strong right out the gate, this line early in the episode beats out the premiere’s “We flew over the North Pole!” She probably did, turns out, but the way she said it was funny. Victoria is unconcerned with wanting to know where on Earth she is. While she may have seen Santa on her way to The White Lotus, she is certainly not in Taiwan at the moment. Her family’s reaction, or rather, non-reaction, might be the funniest part of this interaction. They don’t bother to correct her because, why bother.
I had two favorite lines NOT spoken by Posey this episode. First is Belinda clearly spelling out, “This is consent” when about to hook up with Pornchai (get it, B). Mostly I was cheering for her, though.
Speaking of cheers, the line that made me laugh the hardest is when the blondes don’t even make an attempt at the Russian “cheers” meaning “to love” proposed by their clubmates and rather toast with, “Shia LaBeouf!”
While it is strange to toast to controversial Hollywood superstar, Shia LaBeouf, the complete disregard for another language is deeply on brand for these ladies, who last episode asked for local color and got chased by water gun-wielding children. Is it as egregious a cultural offense as Saxon yelling “Swastika!” last episode instead of the Thai greeting, “Sawadee kai?” Maybe.
